Monday, August 15, 2011


Brace yourself, this is a vent. There is a point in every person's life where the clouds part, things clear up and you see everything as it truly is. The fog is lifted and nothing is what you thought it to be, or made yourself believe. As I mentioned in an earlier post this year has been one of change and lost. Although I try to remain positive and up beat about everything around me, I still struggle. HOW DO YOU STAY UP, IN A DEPRESSED WORLD. Where no one is truly happy for you and every chance they get, they will pull you down, take shots at your happiness but wish you the best in your face. Living in a society of "haters" and usually if they aren't doing that, they are busying using you for whatever they can. How can a person live without trusting a single sole or really hold anything with true meaning. I live in and with a generation where, "nothing is enough" and MORE is Better, the "never satisfied" crowd. As you can guess it's like hell trying to please someone who can not be pleased. The "people-pleaser" in me dies; The lover in me folds; and the fighter in me surrenders. It's like fighting an army with only one soldier and it's not even your war to fight! I spent most of my adult life looking & NOT looking for the answer of love; because I believe that's all we need to get thru this life, alive, well, and happy. I believe it all starts with love and ends with love. But just like everything in this life, WE, people complicate e v e r y t h i n g including love. We take something so pure, rare, and precious and make it ordinary. We abuse it with selfishness, greed, lust, and pride. We claim to want it but once it's in our graces, we tool around foolishly with it, under appreciating it's value and pushing love to the limits. "You always hurt the ones you love" is what they say or how they excuse them self when inflicting cancer onto your love. It's a never ending cycle. The last of the hippies are dying off because of this world of "I" we live in. No one wants to change, sacrifice.. everyone wants it ALL.. dragging along what was real until it eventually falls off. Making a story of love lost and songs of the one that got away. Why does it have to be that way? Why do people have to be so self consumed that they let something so right, go left.. why isn't love enough. To all these questions I've already learned the answers and yet I still ask them, I guess the hopeful romantic in me still lives in that castle waiting to be saved. (can't believe I just admitted that). I feel like I've spent the majority of my youth and young adult hood in disappointment, failed by love and loved ones. Overly used, unappreciated, and over looked. Be it by family, friends, or lovers. I hate to say, I have poor choice in company but the evidence speaks for it self. At what point do you exhaust the possibly of love and give up. Is accepting "what you can get" acceptable, and is time ticking so fast that it's necessary to do so?.. I had the idea, a long time ago, that I would one day meet someone who shared that same love for love as I, that I wouldn't be just a solo act in the fight for love and peace but that we would unite and spread the word of love together. As I get older, date & relationship men, the more I start to question my theory or yet plan for life. I sometimes, almost constantly have the same, reoccurring thought, maybe I'm meant to run free.. For as long as I can reminder I've always LOVED love, everything about it, even the hurt because that leads to healing which leads to more love. But somewhere after 23 my love got restless and need a rest. Between then and now my love has grown, flourished, and entwined itself in another's. Together, the two have grown, flourished, and evolved. Despite much and many love haters, they have both survived. But how do you fall down a rabbit's hole untouched?... You Don't. You're gonna have scraps, bumps, and bruises. And depending on how often you fall down that hole, or half way down that hole is to determine just how (excuse my language) for lack of a better word, how F**ed up you get. All to often men and women meet fall in love, and someone falls deeper, harder, and faster than the other. Much too often the two will stay and one will always feel as tho their love is unappreciated. And all too often the two; burn, destroy, and bury that same love. No one respects love anymore and everyone is far to selfish. People want to continue to hold on to Ex's and "friends" they know deep down inside you should not have. People tell half truths to protect a number of things, instead of just, SIMPLY, NOT doing an act in which you NEED to tell HALF TRUTH about. The lack of consistency within a relationship has lead, the satisfaction with monogamy, to be pretty much non existent. People commit to "open-relationships" , what are you committing to? While others just step out on each other without the prior agreement. It's like a battle field out here, Pat Benatar knew what she was talking about! I don't believe any love is perfect and who likes settled waters any how.. I'm not looking to jump ship, at least not yet, I think. I'm convinced that love is the strongest drug and by far is the craziest act to commit! If everyone just took care of the love they got, we would all be better off. If everyone gave as much as they took, we would all be even. Funny how I'm the only one thinking this. (deep inside, I hope that's not true.) I'm a sensitive soul, overly emotional, a hot head, with zero patients, I'm a brat that wants to be spoiled, and I'm selfish, I'll want you all to myself, I'm needy and I tend to cling a little too but I'll be the best lover you'll ever have. I'll help, support, and aid you into the man you want to become. I'll love you even on your worst day while I'm on mine. I'll make you the center of my universe, I'll do anything you ask, I'll make you smile more, laugh harder, and live better. I'll be just yours, faithful and true. All these things, that are just things, you can have.. I just want you! A man that reads this and knows I'm talking to him because that's all he wants too. We could be the perfect fit but you let the world and all the selfish desires pull you away. It's hard to continue to hold onto something that insist on slipping away. I've had some really great love stories. Some short, some too long but all ended pretty much the same, I, the hippie walking away.. for varies reasons but all going back to the same core, lack of love and expression. How is your love today? How much have you given and how much have you taken? ,, don't hesitate to ask for more love, just be sure you get it! And if you take anything from this post, let it be this, love is NOT love until it's given, felt, and returned.

4 love notes:

mama bear said...

Great minds think alike. whilst reading this, all I was thinking was wow, someone else thinks the same way i do!!!

if you need to talk, I'm here. you got my number :)

love, keys said...

wow... this is completely me. you know from the talks we have that i'm in the exact same boat and i couldn't have said it better myself. amazing.

Jessy Taylor said...

lala, you are a love lover and i love you for it. i just wish you never had to feel disappointed or unappreciated. you are amazing! don't ever forget that. you deserve happiness and love.

Chymere H. said...

Wow this was beautifully written and touched so many extinct levels of love in the society we live in. My favorite part: WE, people complicate e v e r y t h i n g including love. We take something so pure, rare, and precious and make it ordinary. <<<---I COMPLETELY agree. Crazy that it has to be that way. I've been in the same place many times but never really had the balls to write about it publically...but I'm glad you did, because it inspires me to be more open with my philosophies. Then you realize, even if the crowd is small, that you're not alone, therefore not completely insane for thinking these things.

-Chymere