Tuesday, January 04, 2011

December 30, 2010


Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five:
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

Still, almost 10 years later, I move back and forth from Depression to Acceptance. December never gets any easier and making Christmas just ain't the same, I try my best to be festive for my son's sake but there ain't no avoiding this much pain. The lights just don't seem to shine the same and the void that you left can't be filled with gifts from under a tree. And still I Grieve.. as a New Year sets in and I must start this, all over again.
Happy Birthday Mommy. 12.30.10

6 love notes:

elizabeth said...

i'm sorry about your mom. i know how hard this must be on you but i know she's watching over you and is happy and proud of the woman you've become :)

Adina Renée. said...

I'm sorry about your loss, by dad died when I was 16 so I know about your struggle. It'll get better, love.

J-Jones said...

I'm very sorry about your mom... I know she's watching over you and that she's proud of you. :]

sheiswinterwest said...

I feel the exact same way about my grandma's death and she's been gone since '03, her bday is on christmas eve so usually around the holiday it bothers me the most but i think about her every single day and everything i do is for her... i know she is proud of me just like your mother is proud of you. <3

Miss.Fortune said...

it was hard for me to read this!
make her proud!

love, keys said...

<3 i love you so much lala.
i understand exactly where you are and im here 24/7 for you sugar <3