Friday, December 17, 2010

fear of falling

Fear, four little letters, one huge concept. The one thing that controls our every move and decision. The choice of letting Fear get the best of you or conquering and facing it head on... We are not born with fear, don't believe that take a look at a small child, watch them as they dive off furniture and think they can fly! I've watched my son attempt to skateboard since he was 1 and a half, NO FEAR! As we get older it's things like "you're gonna fall", "your face is going to stay that way" "your gonna get sick" that slowly instills Fear into our life. As we get even older it's things like "don't trust him" "be careful with your heart" "watch what you say" "don't fall to quickly" that instantly implants the "caution" jean. Yes, we are now fucked! For as long as I could remember I've been a "defensive" player when it comes to love and the heart. Never too much but always enough, arms length distance so I can see you and always a "spare" in my pocket, for safety reason of course. I'm terrified of heartbreak. I can recall only ONE instance where I let my guard down completely, unshielded, eyes closed, head first, unprotected, l - o - v - e .. and let me just tell you, that was the "love" the one instance where I had my HEART RIPPED RIGHT OUT OF MY CHEST. That was the one instance that scarred me and made me even more caution in matters of the heart. Because of this HUGE chip on my shoulder, someone is always doing something and they must be lying about that too! It could drive a girl crazy. Needless to say carrying this "fear" into my last relationship was not helpful and despite how much I loved him, I would NOT let certain walls be broken. Did this cause an imbalance in our relationship? Did it cause some of the our issues? I couldn't tell you for sure but I'm almost certain it did. That's when the concept of 'Half-Hearted' comes into play and I must say, John Mayer said it best, "I can't stop loving you with half of my Half of my heart" because of this fear to love, love hard and completely, it never really allows you open up and love with all you got. There lays my problem. Fear got a hold on me and wont let go... The fear of being completely vulnerable to one person is an insightful thing, I've been down that road and it's one I don't want to travel again. But is my idea of "being smart" causing me to miss out on life, fun, adventure, experience, and REAL TRUE LOVE. When you have a man that wants to love you and love you RIGHT and you can feel the HONESTY streaming from his heart, how can you kick fear in the ass and break down those wall and let him in? & what scares me even MORE is that I WANT to let him in, I want to "give into love" for a second time.. and that right there, that OPEN TARGET scares me shit-less. We live in a world of "what if's" every corner you turn is a new possibility, a chance for a heart mate or a serving of heartbreak... Ohh only to be 4 again and not have a FEAR in the world, besides your mother! So what good is a life without risk? Broken hearts heal, slowly but surely, and the scars remain but then do fade. & I was once told if you risk nothing you end up risking even more..I like to think I'm in total control of my heart, my fate but who's line is it anyway? I spent almost two years with a wonderful man, I knew loved me and I loved him but I never once gave myself to him completely, in the back of my mind, I always waited for the other shoe to drop and I never fully trusted him. How fucked up is that..? Pretty. I guess you can say I'm over protective when it comes to my heart and Sheryl Crow wasn't lying, the first cut is the deepest and word for word she got it right, "I would have given you all of my heart but there's someone who's torn it apart". In the day and age we live in, it's ok to be an independent women and being a "single-lady" is catchy.. but who are these women, once HURT, USED, UNLOVED, and thrown away.. causing self-empowerment? She now has "her own" because a man couldn't provide? & she's single because he couldn't put a ring on it? Does the independent/single lady ever really fall in love, completely? Or is she so jaded that Fear owns her and she says, "I know better".. I mean after all time does heal all wounds but is time capable of letting yourself trust again? Will there be another moment in life where you jump, eyes closed, heart open, ignorant to all the what if's, and just fall..? I hope so. Yes as tough and strong as I may be or play, I want to be weak for and with someone. I want the courage to look my fear of heartbreak in the face and say, "fuck you", I wanna love like I never loved before and if I get hurt SO BE IT, it was worth it! I wanna be that jaded woman who learned to trust with all her heart and love from her soul because only then will I know, I've won, I kicked FEAR's ass and won!

10 love notes:

elizabeth said...

wow. this post is deep. i can relate though but sometimes we just have to give in Lala. i know it's hard because you've been hurt before but sometimes we end up hurt either way. the man that will make you forget your fears is THE ONE, and he will come as soon as you learn to love yourself and let go!

AnieLii said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AnieLii said...

So So profound. You have no Idea, you brought me into tears here. Maybe cuz that is exactly how I am feeling besides the fact that this is amazing.. I can say I envy you(good way tho.lol) you can right your feeling, all I do is just stay numbed and ignore the fact so I keep it in, i try to let it go but I cant. But you, you do it so well. I am so use to the pain/fear that I'm numbed. You are amazing with words. You really are.
"That was the one instance that scarred me and made me even more caution in matters of the heart. Because of this HUGE chip on my shoulder, someone is always doing something and they must be lying about that too."
This right here hit me. In my situation that someone(s) were my friends, all of them knew and said nothing to me they all knew, they had six months to tell me and no one did. That just left me ruined, Now I have the mentality that everyone is lying to me. That someone knows something and does not what to say it.
"Crow wasn't lying, the first cut is the deepest and word for word she got it right, "I would have given you all of my heart but there's someone who's torn it apart"." It is, this was the first time I got my heart broken major brackish and I can see the change it in me. And feel that that will effect me for a long time until I beat fears ass,like you say.
Anyways, sorry fro this huge essay.lol Your words just let everyone express them self. That's just me being corny again. Love you:) You should right a book. You are amazing and strong, I can see, I have not met you in person but You can tell you can really tell. :)

JAY-J!™ NGUYEN said...

This is beyond deep. I'm only 18, but I've had quite some experiences involving the words "love" and "fear." I agree that people let "fear" completely take over their lives, and I'm one of those people. I don't allow myself to partake in anything that involves me having to face my fears.

Amyschmamey said...

I enjoy your "writing" and you are saying some things that speak to the heart of us all.

Jenny☮ said...

A four-letter word can be very powerful, as you have proven here. Love has never been easy, and I think that's why when you allow yourself to love someone, you become such a brave person because it is so difficult to give a piece of yourself to someone else. I'm still fearful of love for various reasons, but I have grown more fond of it each day. :)

love, keys said...

sooo well written. i believe that this is one of the most realest thing i've read in a LONG TIME. but girl i think we all go through this atleast once in our lives. But you will learn to let go and jsut fall into everything head first because the worst that could happen is what you already know but NOT doing means... you'll never know right? i'm still scared shitless of love. and i don't think ill get over it!

Elle Sees said...

we have to be brave and be willing to love. how else will we know who is the right person for us?

sheiswinterwest said...

you just went in on this post sis. i felt like you was talking about me in here.. i feel like i never let any guy get that close to me or fully let them in because I'm afraid of getting hurt or falling in love so deep thats prob. why i'm in the situation i'm in now but i'm slowly trying to change that and reminding myself i'm still a work in progress and GOD isn't done working on me.. i know deep down i will have to take that risk some point of falling so deep in love and knowing in the back of mind it could all fall apart one day... i guess that what i'm afraid of... i don't exactly want it fall apart... but who does? being brave is one hell of a thing but when it comes to love i don't know if i'm really that brave yet...

keeper of words . said...

I just love this blog too much. There is so much truth and meaning to this post. You're awesome and you inspire me. Dope blog, over all.