Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Down to you


"I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
And even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger."

After 3 days of not sleeping, staying up thinking, replaying and reliving the last two years of my life.. followed by 5 days of only sleeping.. dark room, four walls, one bed and not enough pillows to make me feel like I wasn't alone.. Followed by weeks of over eating, not eating, shameless drinking, smoking, going out, staying in, watching sad tv, crying, yelling...the list goes on... All followed by the very famous, "I'm ok" act. All done in efforts to avoid facing my reality, my choices, my decisions, my life. But what is life, if all you do is run from it? I've spent the last 4 months doing that very thing.. End result, a hole you can't get yourself out of because living a lie is worst then running from your life. I made the firm decision on moving on with me life, without marriage, without an engagement, and sadly without Aaron. Being in love with someone is easy.. when that love starts to slip away like sand through your figures it's hard to admit it to yourself, let alone the other person. But it's part of life, we change, we grow, and sometimes the person that we love doesn't always grow in the same direction of us. After slaying my doubts about getting married I realized it was my heart that wasn't in it, yes maybe I'm not ready for that step or maybe I am but I know that, that relationship wasn't ready for it. See the thing about love and relationships is that if your not honest.. shit will hit the fan, it's not fun and it's not ideal.. Because of my soft heart, I let the shit hit the fan, I waited and waited and made the situation blow up.. Hurting the picture of 'what we were' that's the thing about love, it's dangerous stuff when hearts and feelings are involved. But just like all great love songs sing, "if you don't take the chance you'll never know" and maybe most people don't look at that lyric and see it from the other way but I do. I knew that I would never really know if He and I were meant if I didn't walk away and let us both grow and find our way. And it hurts like hell but everything in life worth losing and having ARE! So what am I saying, what am I doing? I'm saying that sometimes in this life we have to step out on faith because NOTHING is worth more then your own True Happiness and if your not complete happy and satisfied with your life, why don't you make the change? Why is it that we are so scared of change? Why is it that we hold on to someone because they love us, need us, and will never leave us.. even IF we ourselves don't feel that way in return. Are we suppose to choose to spend our life with someone who loves us more then we love them? Not in my book.. Real of Fiction.. I'm holding out for mind blowing, fireworks, can't breathe, I'll die, insane EQUAL EQUAL HIS - HERS type love/relationship. Because great, good, ok, satisfactory only last for so long...So I'm I setting out to find this "love".. Hell no!! After spending two years of my life with a man, I'm sick of them, for now, kinda. But really when you read a book, you don't start from the middle.. you start at the very beginning, the COVER of the book. So that's it ladies and gentle men you heard right, this chapter ending 2010, starting 2011, solo, creating my COVER of life. I realized something somewhere in-between my last smoke and meal.. that I lost myself, my needs, my wants and desires. Not by force but not by choice either. It's time to refocus all my energy, time, love, and commitment to one person, ME, because in actuality no one can do me better then me!! So I'm going back to the basics, what I know, what I love, who I am. I have a FULL OUT PLAN for the year ahead of me and I can't wait to share every moment with you, my faithful friends, readers, followers new and old. Starting with the cover which I have chosen the name, Elle in Ruin subtitle {a women in search of her word} I was deeply inspired and touched after watching Eat Pray Love, I cried, I laughed and most importantly I learned, so much. Deeply inspired I took pieces, from the film and chose to apply them as fit. If you seen the film or read the book I'm sure you have already caught on, those who haven't I'll explain, in the film Ruin is explained as, "Ruin is a gift,Ruin is the road to transformation.." simple enough, Elle - (L) - LaLa being me, and well I'm currently in Ruin the the process of transformation and enjoying the gift of it. As for the my word well I'm looking for a word that can describe my life, me, as a whole, I always thought my word was simplicity and maybe it was 4 years ago but it's definitely not now and that's ok it's just time I set out to find just what it is. As depressing as it may sound, I will continue to mourn for the rest of December, for all my lost, endings, and those I must leave behind. Because although I'm excited about the road ahead, leaving is never easy and saying goodbye is even harder. But we are simply shrubs among tall trees if we don't continue grow....

Simplest form of an Elle -- is my home, I'll never leave, I hope you wont either but I will inform you of lots of changes that are to come. The main and biggest change is that I'm going to start (re-start) focusing back on my writing, for those of you who have followed me from the very beginning of Simply L you'll remember how much I use to WRITE, I miss that, I lost that.. I'm a writer, it's what I love, I've always loved it, it helps me, it release and helps me conquer issues in my life. So you can expect less of certain things and MORE WORDS, sorry if that's not your thing and I promise not to be offended if you stop following I know Reading is not everyone cup of tea heehee but This is my blog and I'm taking it back and making it be USED for what's it's FOR, ME! So please stay tune while I post my heart and soul for you to read, share, experience and enjoy with me. Lately my mind is in constant GO mode, so I've re-joined twitter and I'm actively using my TUMBLR all, I would love for you to join me there as well, if your interested, shoot me and email (adelamavila@gmail.com) and I'll send you my info, I'm choosing not to post that up here. But would be happy to share it with any of my readers. I hope you enjoy and get into the new look and feel of things. Can't wait to read your feed back, I missed you ALL and thank you so much for your constant support, love, and friendship.
♥ Always, L

14 love notes:

elizabeth said...

i also felt a deep connection with the movie eat, pray, love. i feel like i am also on the same journey as you! trying to find myself.
i'm sorry about Aaron. i'm sure there's something better out there for you :)

p.s love the layout!

love, keys said...

i'm sure in some kind of way we all lose ourselves every once in a while.. i know for sure i do and its never pretty but finding that person is well worth it.

we talk ALL the time about everything you've said here and i'm so proud of you girl. you are a strong beautiful woman and being able to follow your heart along with mind is the most beautiful thing of all.

we pick up alot of people on our journey but theres no way our back can support them the way through! thats when they get left behind and not for the bad or the good but simply because they didnt fit were they should have. change is a blessing and finding yourself is LOVE.

im upset i have the eat pray love movie and it wont play in my DVD! UGH! :( i need to watch it ASAP!

aside from all of this we need to make a date where we can lay it all down! but girl vent.. even if its 3 words or 300! LET IT OUT!

i love you and i'm always here to listen!

love, keys said...

ps, i LOVE the new idea of the name and the layout. beautiful!

Maria said...

Love you lil sis n I'm proud of any decision you make for yourself. Your so much stronger and even though your my lil sis I still look up to you...

your faithful stalker...eViL

.Chymere. said...

I am so happy for you. In a sense that you are choosing to accept a lost and give yourself time to cry, because we live in a world where we don't have enough time to just FEEL and deal with our emotions. I'm also happy that you will be writing more and just you saying that inspires me more than you know. AND for starting over. I'm an eternal vessel for change; always open to evolution and all the wonders it brings. Eat, Pray, Love is my favorite book...ever. I read it twice and I probably should read it before the New Year. I really connected with the author and her experiences.

Looking forward to seeing you at full bloom -all in due season-

-Chymere H.

Lisa said...

I can relate on so many levels, but i cant wait to read how things are going to change for you..

rachel said...

I'm sorry to hear about Aaron :( You are so strong and brave - I just know the future holds so much greatness for you!
(the new layout is so neat!)

Miss C i n d i a * said...

Reading your tweets made me wonder if you two were still together or not, but I waited until you'd share that. It is hard. Most of the Summer I went through the same thing with my boyfriend, and I needed to see Eat Pray Love. I swear I had those same moments looking around our apartment wondering how the hell did I let it get that far (buying furniture, painting etc) and I would cry and cry out to God for help. Until he noticed my unhappiness. I am back, and loving us more than ever. Hopefully you'll be back to YOURSELF and enjoy your own company and grow. It's not easy to grow, but it feels so damn good afterwards. I am here if you need anything, muah*

AnieLii said...

DArn it I had this huge paragraph but then I ugh. Anyways

You are amazing. You made me cry, your work your writing speaks to me. After finishing this I came to realization that i need closer wit something as well. Humans are always afraid of change, I am one of those. I agree with keys, everyone was does moment. I might sound sooo corny but you inspire me :) I would be lying if I did not let you know myself. You are a strong women. And when you find your way I am positive that you will rule the world.Love you mah :)

Cece said...

My Lala you make me so proud! You are one strong women and I know mom would be so proud! I have always told you life is to short to settle and not be truly happy! I look forward to being with u every step of this next chapter in your life and there when you are blessed with what god truly has in store for you an X! I love u baby girl and admire your courage! One day at a time! Xoxoxo

BBM said...

lala. do YOU in 2011 girl. ure worth it. never forget that.

2011 will be the year of LALA! i just know it! :-) *hugs*

Jenny☮ said...

You are so amazing.
It's time to start over in a fantastic way. You are strong and you will make it no matter what. :) The best is yet to come, you'll see.

JAY-J!™ NGUYEN said...

Oh, my... I've been so caught up with trying to get my life in order that I have completely neglected your blog. All of these things have happened, and I had no idea... This post really only made me admire you even more. You are so mature, and you seem to have all the answers. You're moving on and moving forward and trying to find your true self. I admire that so much. I really wish you the best of luck with this upcoming year, and I look forward to keeping up with your writing...

I sincerely apologize for the neglect. And I will be shooting you an e-mail about your Tumblr blog. I'd love to keep up with you there as well.

sheiswinterwest said...

LaLa i'm so proud of you & this post just made me love you a thousand times more than what i already do! your a strong girl and we all go through things i'm just happy your standing up for what YOU believe in and doing whats right for YOU. time heals all wounds my love. God has your back & so do i. i love you sister <3