Tuesday, October 19, 2010

as I imagined it

a couple of years ago, all I could think of was finding that "one" falling in love, getting married, and living happily ever after. It's all I wanted. At least it felt as if that's all i wanted. I mean that's what most girls, hope for, wish for, and pray for every night... Right? Ok well at least the one who admit to it. Now before I go any further with this post I want to once again, remind reader that this is my personal blog, it's my better half of my brain, and is VERY MUCH my therapy. That said I asked that you keep your judgment to yourself, I invite all thoughts, suggestion, and personal experiences but NOT at my expense. I am human and weather YOU WANT TO ADMIT IT OR NOT, you've had such thoughts at one point in your life. I don't pretend to be perfect nor is my life or relationship. I'm still fairly young, trying to figure it all out and sometimes I just need to write it out, this is the place I choose to do it. That being said I will move on, it's officially, 4 months till my wedding. *deep breath* Can I tell you I officially now know the meaning of "cold feet".. Does this happen to everyone? Lately it seems like I've been having..."wedding blues.." I don't even know if that exist but I just keep having thoughts of.."is this it???", I'm scared, nervous, anxious, and having so many thoughts of, am I really going to do this. *deep breath* I love Aaron, I love him so much, he is an amazing man. My son loves him, my son calls him dad, he is the only man he knows as his father. Aaron has treated me like no other man before him, he respects me, trust me, and always so supporting. The other night I asked Aaron, "how do you know your ready to get married", his response, "because I'm happy"... was that it? Is that enough to say, "ok I'm ready", so I followed up by saying, "are you scared.." he replied, "no, why would I be scared.." my answer, "I'm scared.." followed by dead silence... to be honest I was waiting for him to say, "isn't this what you wanted" but it never came, nothing did, that was the end of the conversation and we went to sleep, well he did and I just laid there starring at the ceiling like I've done for the past couple of weeks. Because of my "feelings" (I guess that's what we will call them) let's just say there is trouble at the home-front.. we've been getting into petty disagreements and because we don't fight/argue we just don't talk to each other. I'm sure he feels a change in me, because I feel a change. To be honest I feel myself pushing him away and everything he does and DONT do just irritates me ..... and I think, "am I really going to spend my life dealing with this {insert stupid issue here}" Now is this a case of cold feet or my intuition telling me something isn't right. Or just maybe I truly have been "affected" by all the dysfunctional marriages I've encountered and been exposed to. Maybe I am really, underneath it all, Jaded and it took this to really know it. Or perhaps it's just a combo of these things. I really don't know, what to do, what to think, or where to go from here. I know I don't want to be one of those women who loses or gives up a "good man" I don't want to speak to soon and I don't want to marry and divorce a year later. It's like I'm at a battle with myself and I've been so pre-occupied with all these emotions that when someone asked me this morning, "how many more days..." my answer was... "huh, days for what.." ... "days for your wedding" the person she was with was like, "OMG your getting married.. ME TOO, are you excited.." I just kinda looked at them.. a little stuck and felt horrible that I couldn't even say how many more days till my wedding or when we got engaged... I finally spit out "yes, it's exciting".. this is NOT how I imagined it... As everyone around me is blessing us and excited about our love and the wedding, I'm trying to figure out what the hech is wrong with me... seriously. I've been proposed to and engaged two other times, before Aaron, it never got passed the engagement part...I'm I tented...? I guess it goes back to the fundamentals of my mother, "never settle", "great is good but why not extraordinary..", I'm always looking for better, MORE...or just as I imagined it..

9 love notes:

Lexy of BeautyFash said...

BIG HUGS to you!!

You are not the first one to have those doubts when thinking about spending the rest of your life with someone. It's a BIG step!

Could you imagine your life WITHOUT him? And without the beautiful and holy union that is a marriage? If the answer is NO and you can't even begin to think about what your life would be without him in it, then that speaks volumes!

I wish you the very best of luck. I am sure you will make the best decision for you and your son. :)


Kara said...

Do yourself a favor and give yourself some time off from wedding planning. No planning, no plotting, no thinking about it. Take a mini vacay. Give yourself some time to reassess! You're just experiencing the common side effect of planning a wedding - getting wrapped up in the details and not remembering what's important.

Best of luck <3

Amyschmamey said...

That never settle advice is tricky. I agree with it to some extent, but not fully. I am just gonna say. The perfect guy doesn't exist. And guess what? you aren't the perfect girl. You know this. Nobody normally walks around thinking they have all their crap together. I sure as heck am not perfect. We all have quirks. My hubs doesn't always do things the way I would want him to. I have to remember that he puts up with me too.

That being said. If you love him, and he treats you with love and respect, if he loves you for who you are and doesn't ask or expect you to change anything about yourself, your dreams, your goals, and he loves your son... I'd say you aren't settling. Guys like that are a rare breed. When you find one... grab a hold and grab tight.

NOW! If there are serious issues and you think it will interfere with your overall happiness in life. If he wants different things than you and you will be giving up a lot to be married to him, then maybe you do have something to re-think.

I am sorry you are going through this girl. I hope I didn't come across pretentious or know it all... just wanting to help you think this through. I wish you the best!

JAY-J!™ NGUYEN said...

Aww, LaLa... *gives virtual hug*

It is perfectly normal for you to be afraid and for you to want to think about your decisions and the results there after before making them... I don't blame you. Marriage is a serious deal! It can make you or break you, and I understand completely that you don't want to be married just to get divorced the following year. Do realize, though, that every couple, no matter how "fairy tale" it seems to be, is going to have problems. Like you said, no one is perfect. Everyone is human. Couples are going to disagree on some things and agree on other things... It's just a part of life. As long as the two of you know that you love each other, that's all that matters.

Maybe you do want to marry him, but you just feel as if 4 months down the road is way too soon. Maybe you want more time to think it through, to plan things out... Maybe you just don't want to rush into things. I know from personal experience that jumping into something huge out of pressure can really turn out for the worst... So, LaLa, if the case is that you're feeling pressured into being excited and anxious, talk to Aaron about it. I'm sure he'll understand.

I wish you the best, hun! And I hope the two of you work it out.

Jayka! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jayka! said...

Lady Love, I can't speak for you or the exact feelings that you are going through, but I can tell you that I myself had many of these same thoughts.

It started for me one day when we were out having fun, and on the way home I looked at him and just felt sick. I made up some reason to argue, I asked him for some space. I later figured out that it was because somewhere deep down inside I didn't feel that I was worthy of a man that could love me just as I was, and would love me no matter who I became. I was trying to sabotage our relationship for so long.

Sometime us ladies that have had to deal with jerks, abuse, lies and all of that bad stuff don't know how, why, or if we should cross these lines and give ourselves the happiness we deep down think we don't deserve, no matter how much we want to say we do deserve it, we can never be sure if we will ruin it or someone else.

Although you are not going after the whole church wedding thing, there is a Engagement Retreat that we did that REALLY REALLY helps put your mind body and soul in the right place. You guys can check if they have any in your area, and you don't have to be catholic or even Christian to do these. they don't really do any kind of religious anything other than saying grace before meals, and they go over EVERYTHING you will encounter in a marriage. We still go back to our workbooks from that weekend and look back to our original goals for our lives. Most church's can tell you if they have them in your area.

I LOVE YOU! I hope soon your mind and heart will be at ease.

Ashley said...

A wedding is a HUGE stressful thing but I agree with Kara. I think you need to take a mini vacation (literally) and not think about wedding plans (because that's stressful in itself). My boyfriend and I were talking about this the other day, we were starting to lose focus on our relationship and we took a mini-vacation. Once we came back, our relationship has just been so much better and we realized we were worried about little things because those things didn't add up to the big things. Maybe see if you can even get away for even a day to just get away and do something fun, and for a while take a break from the whole wedding planning. I wish you the best.

<3 ash

Anonymous said...

Hi love. i can't imagine what you're going through right now. it must be so confusing to feel this way and at the same time love that person with all your heart. relationships aren't perfect. neither are we as humans. i can't tell you what to do either but i once read this somewhere and i hope it can help you in clearing your mind and help you in making a decision:

"being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. it means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

i care a lot about you and EX, and i hope you make the right decision, which is what makes you and your son happy.

love ya ♥

sheiswinterwest said...

hey sister!!!

i think its only natural you feel this way... you find your self 2nd guessing yourself and constantly asking " am i really gonna go through with this" its a scary thing you are about to start a whole new life! i think all these doubts are maybe coming from past relationships or you just feeling like your not worth this type of love or its "too good to be true" type of thing. i honestly feel in my heart you and aaron with be just fine.. all you can do is pray, leave it in God hands he will never lead you in the wrong direction Period! i love you big sis!