Thursday, March 18, 2010

yours, mine, and his

Disclaimer: Extremely and highly personal and of sensitive content.

What's life without a little chaos, "drama", and all that good jazz.. BLAHH I can go and do without it! As most of you may know and have notice who read my blog on a regular I am and try to be a positive person and keep away for PEOPLE (sometimes even family) who bring out the worst in people, negativity energy, vibes, and DRAMA!! Seen last August when I moved out officially on my own I've been working Extremely hard to be a better person and mother, this has NOT been an easy thing, I'm NOT a rich person so I very blessed to have a lot of "help" from loved ones. In saying that I will begin my rant! I've always been FULLY aware that some people hate to see other people happy, doing well, living healthy, and enjoying a drama free environment. Now, I'm NO WHERE NEAR perfect nor would I pretend to be I have plenty of skeletons in my closet but that where they will stay! I CHOOSE to LIVE in the PRESENT and NOT in MY past. Sure I can blame things that happened to me on the next person but WHY?!?... When I was young, I was sexual abuse, several times by different men, I Never told a soul, until today. I fully acknowledge that this is where my once "promiscuous lifestyle" started but soon crashed and burned and believe it or not I stop thinking and "living off" of it (my abuse and abusers) for a while now. WHY?!? Because I refuse to LET THAT BE WHO I AM, LET IT DEFINE ME or make me feel like every man is that way or have to be paranoid that someone will do the same to my child. I refuse to live in the cage of a victim. Paranoia is ready in my blood despite the abuse but I refuse to give in, mind of matter there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some sort of "they must be doing" moment of total craziness BUT I fight, I fight my head from thinking there horrible things. Yesterday's events lead me to where I am today and this post, this moment. Not knowing how to explain to someone (people) that they are so wrong they need a new word to describe it. How does a mother re-act when someone suggest that your child maybe a victim to sexual child abuse.... and of all people your significant other. How do you even come to those conclusions... When my son is always with me, expect when I'm at work, and then he is with YOU... I've been silent enough about your lifestyle as is because after all, "you are helping me..." but I draw lines, build walls, and steel doors when it comes to you trying to bring ugliness into my household, with what you think is "truth" based off of your paranoia and past experiences with males. It's honestly something I don't need in my life. If you really had a concern why would it be bought to my attention RIGHT AWAY.. instead of taking my son and questioning him... he is 3! I'm his mother! I can't help but to think you ALL are feeling otherwise, like I wouldn't know if something was happening or I WOULD let it happen. I had a LONG talk with Exavier yesterday and NOTHING blew over, I asked him in EVERY way possible if anyone had touched him, played with him, hurt him..etc etc and "no mommy"... "well why did you tell ______ that", "I didn't", "they said you did", "nope, you wipe my booboo" ... NOT ENOUGH? Well doctor visits are everything right? .... If that's what it takes,
"Exavier looks perfectly fine, healthy, nothing abnormal, you are doing a great job I see nothing to worry about but he can use more fiber in his diet so he doesn't have a hard time using the bathroom, I'm pretty positive that's what he meant but it's always ok to make sure" -dr
Yes, he is "un-touched" but I'm sure that's still not enough to please anyone, right.... cause somehow this man is doing something and I'm to stupid and unquantified to know or see it... After the doctors visit and blowing steam to my girl I felt so much better. I realized I'm so in-tune with myself and my child that I would know if something was wrong and I have to trust MYSELF and not worry about what other people say because at the end of the day my son just sees ME, WE LIVE TOGETHER, me and EX and no one know what goes on but us. Ex trust me to take care of him and I would NEVER let him down, he is my everything! Nothing is more important than his healthy and happiness. If others can't see that I'm done trying. My focus is on the future not what happened to me in the past, I was with a man for almost 3 years and in the 2 year began to hit me and abuse me. He had to take me to the hospital several times and I lived though it, I got passed it, WHY? because again I refuse to let anger, bitterness, and hatred rule my world. I refuse to believe that every man is child molester or women beater it's just not likely, there is good in the world and you can find happiness and it's ok if you find a man that loves you and a child that is NOT his, he can love him, play with him and it doesn't mean he is abusing him. I was so stuck yesterday and it wasn't because I was unsure it was because I couldn't understand that why in such a HIGH point my life would this be shot in my face at CLOSE RANGE. I know everything happens for a reason and although I'm not 100 percent clear as to what this reason is I'm gonna keep pushing. I've done what I had to do on my end, made my clear, clearer and that's it. I refuse to live a life where others want to drop there baggage at my door step I can't live a life where I'm constantly being tested and over written. I just can't be that person any more. We are not the same and he is not us. You are you, I and me, and let him be who is is going to be!

6 love notes:

Jayka said...

I'm sorry to hear that you are having to have this thrown at you, and involve your beautiful son. You are a beautiful person, and the past in no way has to have a control over who we become. It is inspiring to see this is writing by someone that I admire.

The whole "victim" lifestyle held me back for so long, and I am happy to hear you are not letting it define for you live your life.

I will be praying for peace in your mind, and a slower, steadier heartbeat for you tonight.

You are a strong, and beautiful person. Thank you for trusting us with your feelings.

Anonymous said...

i am so sorry you are having to deal with this!
you seem so happy and blessed with a beautiful son...i'm praying people up'n'leave you be.
hugs xx

love, keys said...

wow i was speechless at almost everything said. you do know your child best and the decisions you make are always best because YOU are his mother and you know what youre doing is right. never let someone allow you to question yourself.

the thing is noone likes to see you doing better than them.. NO ONE. they will drag you or your name through dirt before they even congratulate you.. thats jsut how people are. misery loves company man. but shine baby girl because you are amazing. and little petty shit WILL NOT break you.

Kara said...

Negativity and rumors are such a bummer. Hope you can keep your sunny outlook and avoid all the crap! <3 xoxo

Anonymous said...

I really was almost brought to tears. Im in shock that you have to go through this. You are always so strong and positive, & I know that you wont let this break your spirit. You are an AMAZING mother, and don't EVER let someone make you think otherwise. You are probably one of the most inspiring people that I know. and with the love and support of everyone that you've touched you'll get through all of this

Miss.Fortune said...

wow. this really touched me. i didnt think i can be moved by the words of someone i've never met. i can relate in several ways. you have a beautiful spirit and outlook on life. despite the road blocks that came your way you are still traveling on the right path. it takes a lot of faith and determination. you have a healthy mind frame and i love it. stay blessed