Monday, November 30, 2009

Where Am at and Where I've Been...

So as some of my true readers notice it's been a minute since I've posted.. SORRY! To be honest this didn't start off as a hiatus, I got real sick (till this day I think I had H1N1, who knows). Well I missed a little short of two weeks from work. Mann, in those two weeks, I swear I went from hell and back. A lot happened and I wont go into detail to much but I do intend to share somewhat of the changes that occurred in my life. & I'm still waiting to see if it's all for the best. Lots of drama, tears, angry, fuck ups, and letting go. After the "storm" hit I decided it was best for me to take a break from everything and everyone.. I deleted my twitter, stop blog posting, and cut my face outta the book (facebook). I basically turned the world OFF. So many issues began to be so clear after a night of going out with and being in a place I thought I wanted to be and just really looking at the people and environment and realizing, this is NOT me, this is NOT where I belong. It took me being fuck over by people fake ass people to really understand that, all that "support" and "built up" is a WASTE OF TIME! I have so many REAL people in my life, why in the world should I even bother. In the mist of it all my relationship with double A had literally FELL APART. After a major act of disrespect (on his part) my heart has just not allowed me to feel the same for him anymore. We've been back and forth "trying" to work it out, mostly to benefit his "need" to be with me. But in reality WHY? Why do I constantly do things to please other people? Even when it's the LAST thing that I WANT, I always end up putting my feelings and wants aside for the other person. So against my better judgement we tried to mend our relationship (cause that's what you do when you love someone, right??) I agreed on "working things out" but felt that I could not be "with him" after he agreed to it he realized I meant it. I am a women of so much strength and pride and sometimes (some) men (or boys) can NOT handle that. Well I'm sorry, you can not disrespect me and then feel that after a week it's all going to be roses. To me what that spells out is that what you did seems like a "little deal" to you when in fact it was a HUGE deal to me. What started out as "working it out" turned out to be ripping us apart, even more arguments and hurt feelings. The distance is still growing today. Among this ALL are family issues that I was also facing along with the stress of bills, rent, and just money in general, then making the decision to move forward in a child support case for my son. All these thing lead me to a very dark place and just wanted to be alone and really just figure out where the hell my head was going with all of this. TODAY I stand tall, alive, and well. My health is still NOT 100 but I'm working up to it, I lost a a lot of extra pounds, which was nice lol not the right way but hey whatever helps lol I'm back at work, still playing ketchup but STILL HAVE a job is the key sentence!! I'm still (now, cause I guess it's new to yall) Single. Double A is still in my life and we are taking much needed space but we are no longer together, and I'm very ok with that. (I'm sure I will post a lot more about that later) I'm working on a second job (yes I know I'm a work-workaholic already BUT I need the extra $$) I've been blessed with two new very interesting, genuine, loving, real, and full of life, friends. They are definitely relationship worth maintaining and I'm intrigued at where they will go for now I'm comfortable with what we share and have, "it's all happening" lmao.
It's funny what happens when you let go and just block out ALL the bullshit and people who are trying to hold you down. I've given up on Numerous "friendships, relationships" this pass month and I feel like that weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It's only when we let go can we truly move forward into our future! I don't know what's going to happen with any of these issues and "life's gifts" I've shared with you but I know one thing, life goes on...


1 love notes:

sheiswinterwest said...

I indeed have missed you, you had me worried but i'm glad you finally posted something up here so i can know whats going on! (Welcome back) i myself have been through hell this past wk. but i'm trying to pull through this horrible situation. life is too short to be anything but happy. I'm glad you had to get rid of a few things, relationships, friendships whatever helps you grow as a person you MUST do it!! I'm happy you put yourself first as well (you go girl!). I'm glad the health is getting better.. take it easy mama!

love you much!