Tuesday, March 31, 2009

this morning

“As I look at what I’ve done, the type of life that I lived. How many things I pray the father will forgive. One situation involved a young man. He was the ocean and I was the sand. He stole my heart like a thief in the night. Dulled my senses and blurred my sight; and I used to love him, but now I don’t.” - Lauryn Hill

Or do I? I woke up this morning with way too many thoughts of you, reliving every waking moment we once spent. How your touch made me feel like the most beautiful women in the world. How your kisses made my heart stop every single time. How we planed. How we dreamed. The color of your skin, the texture of your beard, the indention of your dimples, and the smoothness of your teeth against my tongue. As much as I wanted to stop these thoughts, memories from occurring, they just flowed threw my mental like water in a stream. --he meant everything to me visions of what you did and what you said began to fog my head. I close my eyes like shutting the blinds when the sun gets to bright but like a movie on rewind, it took me back to the beginning. As tears watered my eyes, I wondered why this morning your memory hunts me. In the shower, pass the steam I could feel your eyes watching me and I fight back the scream. The rage of anger becomes present and I go back to, "how could he do this to me". It's been so long since I've ache for your love. But I guess I never really gave up, what could still be. Thus explains this morning.

REALITY! -love doesn't hurt and you don't hurt the ones you love!

above all, you didn't chose me, you didn't pick me. you walked away, while I was still standing. your words, your I love yous, and I'm sorrys don't dismiss what you've put me threw and how your stepped all over me and my love. It's been some time since you've randomly called, we argue, I cry, you say "that's not what I intended to do, I just wanted to talk to you", then like a ghost you disappear again. Your pointless calls have stopped and I gave up waiting to see you're hand in mine cause all it held was tears from wasted time.

REMINDER! -love doesn't hurt and you don't hurt the ones you love!

the space you once took up is no longer here. the whole of my heart that once was consumed by you no longer exist. you hurt me in a place that can longer be dismissed by an "I still love you..." My heart may never forget you but my brain will, your no long prohibited to dwell there. I relived are entire pretend relationship this morning and one thing remains the same, you are where you want to be, & it's NOT with me!! I gave up hating you a long time ago and my only regret is that I didn't (PAUSE -- & of course as I'm typing this shit, Alicia Keys -No One comes on! FML) say, "enough!" sooner! But like the weather, people are seasons, and seasons change. I can't deny that at this very moment, all I want is feel your heart beat next to mine and in that same moment choke the the shit out of you, it's bittersweet. "I dont want you, but I need you, I love you and I hate you at the very same time"

This morning I woke up with the thought of you on my mind... I couldn't recall what your love tasted like, it had been so long. I looked at my phone, "cause your the reason I don't change my number" have a few messages but none you and I know that's nothing new. Rubbed my head and hopped in the shower, trying to wash the memories away. I woke up this morning and couldn't get you out of my head, I don't know why but you've followed me all day and now I just want you to go away and at the same time come near. I know nothing will ever be the same and what we had was nothing and in the same breath it was everything.

The morning ended with me putting you away. Dusting the memory of you off my brain and remembering,

-love doesn't hurt and you don't hurt the ones you love!


1 love notes:

rissapeace, said...

Damn, DEEP! deeper than the ocean type deep....

Lala your one of the smartest females I've ever came across... i hold you oh so close cause i know when all else fails and times are tough your words could heal a lifetime of problems!!!!

Love you mama, you couldn't say it better!