Sunday, January 18, 2009

a turn of 'bad events'

So after spending most of my day and night wallowing in self pity massive pity party population one (or for two me + la rock). Yesterday was just "one of those days", everything was shitty and became shittier by the second. One being I couldn't sleep the night before and had to be up hella early to be at work, I worked ALL weekend long, 11 and 12 hour days, plus I work tomorrow too, till 10. I've been fighting this "cold" or sinus thing all week and of course yesterday was the worst day I lost my voice and couldn't stop sneezing all damn day, so much so I got a madd headache from it! blah! Massive shoe malfunction, (new heels + 11 hr work day DON'T mix) !! Stress level threw the roof, lacking in the love department, frustrated in all male compotes, missing my best friend so damn much, HATE not being able to get a session in her office or take Exavier to her apartment after work, I miss our joy luck club! Feel like time is getting the best of me and I'm overly emotional about it. The on going pressures and the fact that I never get to enjoy the fruits of my labor! Long overdue for a vacation. Feeling like the more I work the further I get pulled away from everything else. My mental re-thinking, re-living, and re-playing the what if's. Emotionally drained and mentally exhausted! Leaving work to come home to more work; my son, cleaning, cooking, mothering, diapers, bottles, etc, etc. Then to see my sister getting ready to "go out" and have a good time, club attire, make-up sessions, game plans. It's fucking annoying... I listen to my home voicemails to find, yea you guessed it more to add to the load, apparently someone has been using my social and now I have to get a lawyer and all this other shit, identity thief takes 7+ years to clean up. FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! Remarkably I haven't killed anymore yet, punched any children, and kicked any cats. Open my mail, yay, just want I wanted, BILLS!!! Child dying for attention and all I want to do is sleep. So I take a minute, go into the bathroom and cry my eyes out, overwhelmed, stressed, pissed off, and hella tired. Pull myself together and draw a bath for my son. Today isn't the day for random texts and mind games. My escape, why me? Why do I deserve this life and why don't I deserve someone, that loves me and wants to pinch hit for me on days like this. Just knowing that shit wouldn't be so shitty and hard if I had a MAN that was down for me, a partner in every sense of the word! Putting those thoughts on hold, to keep the tears for running down my eyes. The worst way to spend a bad day is the reflect on all your shit because you only feel worst and get deeper into that wooo is me mold. But at this point of the day I was done trying to find the sliver lining, the light at the end, all I wanted was to curl up in my bed, good music, and a glass of wine. Drown out the world and fast forward to next week. But that's impossible when my child doesn't want to sleep. Then about 40 mintues in, he gets up and pukes all over me, him, his bed, my bed... YOU GOT THE BE SHITTING MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Nope true story!!! If you thought things couldn't get any worse you were soooo painfully wrong!! Finally peace, I think. Two things that don't match with me bad day and a self pity party -- good friends and conversation. Because as much as they want to help, be there, listen, understand, make it better... it's no going to happen and I will put money on it that you will end up saying some shit cause your pissed that will hurt them! Don't take your bad, week, month, or year on someone else, at least not on good people, people you like. All wasn't lost, Chris calmed me down via text messages, making me feel a lot better about things and myself and our new found friendship. Chris I swear your an amazing dude and I'm glad god has bought you into my life, your such a good friend and I look forward to years of friendship with you. I really do appreciate you taking time out from your socialism to bring peace to my mind, heart, and spirit! I adore you! The night took a drastic change when I received the following voice text message, "know we just met but baby could u love me quickly, quickly I... want you to love me like you know the world is about to end baby, quickly" ...thought of ya That's John Legend Quickly. Not only is that one of my favorite tracks off the Evolver album but it just came at the right time, from the right source!! After having in depth textage 'cupcake session' with D, I realized that he did make it all better. Humor, laughter, and cakecakin is truly the cure for everything. Once we gave up on the texting, picture messaging maddess, and got on the phone I had forgotten how HORRIBLE my day had been. D what can I say you have a way of making all the fuzzy shit become clear. I really do inspire from you. Plus you make me cheese like nobody's business and if you don't like that, "how bout I come over there and whoop yo dam ass, what you think about that..." lmao. HOLLA. Your the best and I'm soooo so so so glad we've connected and built and are building this extraordinary friendship, just don't ever EVER call me familiar again! *must be, gotta be a professional* heh. In the mist of sorrow you find someone to give you light, you just have to hold it up and find your way again. Bad days happen but the point is not be cry poor me, why me but just take what you need from it and give it to yesterday because tomorrow that's all it will be. I will so much better this morning, even I didn't get to sleep till about 3ish. Closing, god is good, all the time god is good. With him all things are possible. It's day like that, that you truly do have to embrace him even tho you truly feel like "god, why me.." are my issues over, hell no, not even close, but I know that where there is a will there is a way and more so when you take the lord with you. I know he has a plan for me, I just have to remain strong, chin up, smile on my face, and wait and work for and toward it! Lastly, be good to yourself and most importantly be good to those who are good to you!!

4 love notes:

SARAH NOELLE. said...

i think you need a vacation.

Reggie said...

I second that.....Vacation time, La!!!!!:)

Curtiss King said...

And I quote "Remarkably I haven't killed anymore yet, punched any children, and kicked any cats"

I third that Lala, you deserve a vacation.

d33zilla said...

hmmmmmm.. . wow.. . . !